Katy's Daily Rant: You'll Never Eat in this Town Again!
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Yes, I was Going to Eat That!

Do you ever just get tired? I do. All the nonsense about this diet or that, what to eat or not, which food is going to kill you this week. It can get to be too much.

With so much evidence that diets don't work, why do so many still insist on believing that a short term diet will yield them long-term results? If you know someone who dieted for a short period of time then went back to their usual eating habits and kept the weight off, call Oprah. They'll become an overnight media sensation.

Interviewer: "So tell us, how'd you do it?"

Dieter: "Er, ooh, I um ate nothing but lima beans and lime popsicles."

Interviewer: "Really? I would never have thought of that! I'm gonna try it."

Next thing you know Costco sells lima beans by the case, the dieter has a best selling book, and The Lima-Lime Diet is born.

When I get frustrated, I start typing and the words come pouring out. My husband and I started calling them Katy's Daily Rants.

Since When Did You Become an Expert? Don't you wish you could say that when some stranger looks at what you're eating with disapproving glances? Keep your nasty eyes off me and my food. You don't know me. Makes me wish I had a ray gun.

Food combining made simple:

• Never eat anything with anything else.
• Never eat anything yellow with anything orange.
• If the restaurant is painted blue, do not order anything, just leave, quickly.
• Don't eat mice, ever, unless you're a cat.
• Crunchy things should not be eaten with liquids, unless you're thirsty, in which case, it's okay, if it's past 11:00 AM, except on Tuesdays.
• Do not, under any circumstances, order unsalted buttered popcorn at the movies. It tastes like grease on popcorn, which is exactly what it is, and it is not fun.
• If something moves when you open the refrigerator door, close the door and order out.
• Do order bonbons at the movies. They are very delicious and hardly anyone knows about them. I'd bet they are about a million calories less than the tub-o-grease of popcorn.
• Stay away from food that sticks to your teeth, especially if you have an appointment with your dentist.
• Don't eat food that has changed color more than once.
• Don't split a dessert with someone who eats much more quickly than you, lest you resent them the rest of your life.
• If you order a dessert, and your friend says, "No thanks, I'll just have a bite of yours," tell them to drop dead.
• Be prepared to lose your hand if you reach over and try to take something off my plate.
• Falling off the wagon. So what. Get back up. You'll fall, you'll get up.

Katy's Daily Rants in no Particular Order

1. Rules are for board games
2. Yes, I am going to eat that.
3. Quit looking at my food
4. Quit looking at me
5. Who made you the food police?
6. Why do so many diet and exercise gurus die from heart attacks? Face it, we all will one day die. Get used to it but don't go out of your way to hasten its arrival.
7. High fat hoax: Eat all you want. Yeah, sure. Waddle, waddle.
8. Low fat liars: Eat all you want. Yeah, sure. Hungry, and still waddling.
9. Do not tell me what I should eat, if you want to know what's good for you.
10. Get your hand off my plate you fricken moron!

Temporary Solutions to Permanent Problems

Sure, a temporary starvation diet will work, for a few days. If all you wanted was to wear a certain dress for a certain occasion, okay. Do a crash diet. That's what they were designed for, crash dieting to quickly lose a few pounds. They never intended people to think they'd keep the weight off.

Do you really think getting on your bicycle and peddling around the block is all you need to do, from now on, for exercise? "There, I've exercised. Thank you very much. Thank God that's over."

Seven Steps to Designing your own Diet and Becoming a Millionaire

1. Name your diet: Make it something snappy and sure to sell such as the "Lose 10 Pounds in 10 Days Diet.
2. Choose any three foods from any food groups you like.
3. Go through your family photos and find the one taken of you when you just got over that bout with pneumonia. You know the one when you hardly ate for two months? That'll be your "After."
4. Take a photo of you now, wearing a tent dress on a windy day, so the dress is blowing all around you. You'll look bigger that way. That will be the "Before."
5. Diet Rules: You can eat any quantity of the three foods you chose, at any time of day, in whatever amounts you want.
6. Tell everyone you lost all your weight on your Lose 10 Pounds in 10 Days Diet, and you've never felt better.
7. Have your Before/After weight loss photos flashing back and forth, before Lima-Lime horrible, after Lima-Lime, wonderful.
8. Don't get trampled in the stampede to buy your new diet! Congratulations!

By Kathryn Martyn, M.NLP